- Jo Soh, founder of Hansel

*****

I really really did it! Ok la, actually nothing very impressive anyway. I signed up and participated in my first SDU (now re-named SDN) event after a 5 years dry spell! Actually come to think of it, I really don’t remember what was the last event I attended. This one’s a rather last minute decision which I tried to interest Spy P, but she didn’t seem too keen cos she did not reply me leh. Hur hur. I had wanted to do more charity work in 2012, and this one’s a cleaning project for the old folks staying in one-room flats in Blk 31 Toa Payoh. Previously, I mostly went for activities-based programmes such as skating, tap-dancing and those wine-and-dine SDN events. I think recently, SDN has expanded their array of activities quite a bit, and even if one is not really aiming to find a prospective partner through such events, the available variety reads much like a country club programme list, but at a much more reasonable price range. And best part…we no longer need to pay for membership anymore! Woah ho!

Well anyway, there were about 8 of us who came last Sat and although most were guys…..all were so young lah!! I don’t even need to ask for their ages manz…to know that I’m easily the oldest of the lot. But ok lar, I had signed up mainly for the charity activity, and all of them were quite chatty and easy to engage with. I was quite surprised to note that there were at least 2 scholars in this group! Which had me wondering…you mean they also find difficulty looking for partner meh!? Really strange. But maybe they are also like me, coming mainly to help the elderly.

We were splitted into 2 groups of 4, and my group managed to only clean 2 units in one Sat morning. I had initially thought it would be relatively easy…one-room flat only mah. The first unit was easy peasy, the occupant was an old lady who kept her flat clean and neat, and didn’t have too many belongings with her (she doesn’t even have a TV lor). We basically divided the tasks between cleaning the toilet, wiping windows, sweeping and mopping the floor (we didn’t have to think of having 2 persons to clean the toilet at one time cos it was so small that 2 persons wouldn’t be able to fit into it). She was very appreciative and we got it done by 40 minutes.

The second unit hor, was a whole new story lo. There were 3 men staying in the unit (obviously illegal one lor) and hence they had so many items in their small flat!!! When I was sweeping the floor, he made me dig out all those items hiding at one corner, so that I could go in and clean up the accumulated filth. The stove top was horrible, and the fridge exterior was so sticky. We really tried our best lar, and I could only thank my lucky stars that the guys offered to clean the toilet (the white walls were stained a yucky yellow). And the old man so good lo, even went around doing inspection after we finished our tasks. What the. But we all agreed that the 满足感 we had from cleaning this unit was the best. And it felt like we had cleaned 3 units in total lor.

All in all, I think I still had fun meeting new YOUNG people and doing volunteer work at the same time, on a Sat morning. It’s definitely so much more meaningful than just meeting people over posh dinners / KTV sessions. And I was also quite impressed that some of the guys actually stay quite far away (one in Boon Lay – wah lau), but still made time to wake up early and attend this activity. Well, so I’m glad to report that this event went rather well and I’ll likely be going for more SDN activities this year bah.

If anyone’s keen to join me, just drop me a note ok! =)

—  縱貫線, “公路”

*****

Woah woah…I finally managed to 熬过 2011 woohoo!! I’ve never been so happy to embrace the new year, and of course that’s only because I’ve had a shitty 2011 and if it was any longer, I WILL DIE! DIE! DIE! People do the annual countdown on the eve of 1st Jan, I did mine everyday of Dec 2011. As the last seconds of 2011 ticked away, I told myself I’ll work hard at moving towards a better and brighter year ahead, and never never look back. But anyway, I went to bed early yesterday cos was down with an irritating headache which didn’t really go away until this morning. But still, I’m proud that I did not take any panadol and only relied on my axe brand medicated oil. Hur hur!

Of coure, there would have been no evidence of me growing wiser and smarter, if I do not lay out the lessons I’ve learnt in 2011. Actually I’m writing this without any clue of what I’m going to type, i.e. I seriously have not thought this through at all. Hence I cannot guarantee that the rest of this entry will turn out readable, but I’ll try my best haa.

Revelations of 2011, and perhaps part of 2010 (in no particular order, a.k.a. extremely random thoughts):

1) My 人际关系 is not as fantastic as I thought it was. There was a time where I thought Iwould always be on the same wavelength with the people I work with. But recently, I seemed to have unwittingly stepped on many many toes of many many people, and there were certain times where I felt being left out or forgotten. I’m still wondering if I’m being over-sensitive, or if I’m scarily right.

2) Much as I try, and try, and try, emotions are ‘stuffs’ which simply cannot be controlled and reined in. I can bluff everyone, but deep inside me, I jolly well know how I actually feel, whether it’s happy/sad. We are not built to decide how much emotions we put in a relationship, but I’ve understood that to an extent, that is the unique element of humans and since I cannot control it, I will not attempt to do so again.

3) There is no logic and rationality whatsoever, in this thing called 感情. People do not necessarily act according to the signals they sent out, precisely for the reason that they cannot control their emotions too. And plus, they can be so blur that they don’t know what consequences can arise from their actions, actions which they think are harmless and typical. You absolutely cannot go and ask them “WHY DID YOU DO THIS???!!” because you know they wouldn’t have a logical explanation for you anyway. So you just have to accept everything, swallow the lump in your throat, and move on.

4) There are some species of human beings who simply do not understand the meaning of ‘NO’. They do not know how to take overt hints and must really wait till you lose your patience with them and tell them “GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE!” before they’ll know when to retreat/give up. Why? 何必呢??

5) Being unhappy at work can translate to a myriad of problems, such as extreme sleeplessness at night, loss of appetite, loss of interest in things which I used to like, weight-loss, unexplained sickness such as nausea, gastric, migraine, etc.

6) Ok enough of the BAD revelations. There are still good stuffs to remember by in 2011. First up, is the fact that no matter what happens to me, I still have my family and good friends to standby and support me. Despite me always repeating the stuffs that I complain to them, and how I always 发牢骚 to them, they’ll only have kind words of encouragement for me no matter what. And for friends who are not that eloquent with words, I know that deep inside, they do care for me and wish for only the best, for me. To all these people, here is my ever grateful ‘THANK YOU’! I don’t know how I can survive all my ordeals without you beside me. Through it all, I’ve realised I’m actually not as independent and strong as I thought I was. That there are still times where I need someone to provide a listening ear, or to tell me that all is not lost and that everything WILL be better tomorrow.

7) And the last revelation? Yes I reserve this for my heart. I now believe that the fates intertwined between the people we meet are so complex that we’ll never ever be able to understand how it all works. I know now that certain people are brought into my life for certain specific reasons and even if they are meant to stay in my life for only a very short period, I cannot deny the happiness which they’ve brought me. WL (Idiot #2) allowed me to totally forget Idiot #1, and made me realise that there are better guys out there besides the latter. He is the kindest and most thoughtful 对象 I’ve ever met and I’ve really not felt so loved for quite some time. Although it didn’t work out, I believe he came into my life, for the sole purpose to allow me to understand that I need not settle for just about anyone, as a potential partner and that there WILL eventually be someone out there who is waiting only for me (and vice versa). It’s just that the person is not WL, but that’s ok. I’m not that lucky to have met the right person the first (or second) time round, but it doesn’t mean I’ll never meet him. Yep.

Since this is the 1st of Jan, I do have some resolutions which I hope to achieve in 2012. Some of these are rather repeated stuffs, but which I’ve never really managed to attain all these years..hmmm. But I still try!

1) Find a job which I can like at least 60% of it. I’m still looking, by the way.

2) Take good care of my health. I wanna regain back the weight I lost since Sep last year. People has been commenting that I look a bit shrivelled. Eeee…

3) Do more charity work. I have one lined up on 7 Jan, I’ll blog about if it works out!

4) Be kinder to my feet. You’ll be seeing more of me in flat heels. Really!

5) Maintain faith and hope in the ‘love’ department, but not pressurising myself anymore. I’ll like to see myself taking a break from this for about half a year before I start feeling desperate haa. That’ll give me some time to clean up the remnants of the past ‘relationships’ and start life fresh anew.

6) Have the perserverance to grow my hair a little longer. This one’s DIFFICULT!!

7) Lastly (this one I always talk about every year but ahem, am still superbly unsuccessful), is to STICK TO MY BLOODY SPENDING BUDGET every month! June and December are the worst. I always overspend thinking that there’s bonus to fall back on. Hai yah!

Okaay…I hope I did not miss out anything major above. And oh yes, needless to say, my #1 resolution every year, at anytime, would always be to blog more regularly and write more 惊爆 and interesting entries for my readers.

Happy? =))

*****

No, don’t get any weird ideas. This was just a quote which arose out of my GUTS birthday celebration back in early Dec. I thought it sounded rather poetic and original, and hence wanted to pen it down as a momento. Haaa, hope I got it right though.

The last 3 months of 2011 SUCKED BIG TIME. My GUTS friends already know this though. Work had not improved at all (I think it worsened actually) for my new portfolio, and of course it’s the same for my personal life as well lar. I’ve decided that I’ve had enough, and has hence asked my boss for a transfer out. But of course I know this will not happen overnight, and that I still not only have to find another position for myself, but also wait for someone to come fill my current post.  But at least my boss has been quite supportive and has even given me a few ideas on what’s suitable for me. I’m very grateful and am also sad that I’m leaving good bosses behind to seek new opportunities, and to a place which is quite foreign to me still. Sometimes, I wonder if I can still take on new experiences at this ripe old age of 33, and if I should just stick my neck around where I’m at now and wait for work to improve. SIGH.

Well at least in the other arena of my life, things are slowly returning back to nomalcy. I do still sometimes think of him and the past 5 months, but the ache has lessened somewhat and I know there will eventually come a stage where I can look back everything fondly without pain or malice and just feel glad that it had happened and there had been good things which I benefitted out of it. I mailed back some of the stuffs he gave me, as well as a letter to tell him my thoughts, the most important being that he should have trusted his own gut sense and instincts and put a stop to everything the moment he felt insecure and unsure. I hope I didn’t put it across too rudely though, cos that was never my intention. I just hope he doesn’t repeat this with another girl lo. Notice that I did all this only for Idiot #2, and not Idiot #1 cos the latter was not even worth it. The former is a nice guy who probably just didn’t know how to reject a girl. But no, I don’t want to end up with either cos there must have been a very good reason for the ‘break-ups’  and I respect the better things life has in store for me in 2012!! =)

Jesse Tang advised that in the coming year, we (as in Scorpios) should face our difficulties and obstacles squarely and not squirm around in an attempt to avoid them. We can all learn something from our problems and sad moments, and I guess as long as we eventually pick ourselves up and keep moving forward, life will definitely still be worth the ride and experience. For the remaining 5 days of 2011, I’m going to think of all the happy times I enjoyed, and the new goals I’m going to set for myself in 2012. So watch out for my next blog entry!!

PS. I kept the previous post intact and public, cos it had been a large part of what I went through in 2011, and I do want to give myself credit for having the courage to invest my feelings into something which I hadn’t known then if it will work out or not. It didn’t, but that still doesn’t remove the fact that it had once happened and we had both plunged into it with the best of intentions and faith. It is this faith which I hope will never die in me cos without it, I wouldn’t even have had the opportunity to experience and learn.

So many many updates, I wonder where to begin? I went through a change of position (same department, same division but heading a new branch now). Super stressed and things got to an extent where I find myself constantly thinking of resigning…terrible huh? But I tell myself it’s still early times and I’ll give it at least half a year before I make any rash career decisions. It’s been slightly more than a month now. Things are not exactly getting way much better, but I’m slowly getting the hang of the new work issues and finding my way around how my boss works. One of the not-so-good things which happened was that I find my boss treating me differently as compared to when I was at my previous post. He seemed less friendly, more distant and sometimes I’m just a tad reluctant to ask him things cos I’m afraid he would get irritated or annoyed. Just a few months ago, he used to be like one of the nicest persons I worked with. But now, it’s just NOT THE SAME anymore! No, I’m not really blaming him or anything cos I know he is also going through a very rough patch, having been thrusted into a difficult work posting and having to prove his capabilities to everyone out there. I’m sure the stress levels which he is ‘suffering’ are many many times more severe and terrible than me. So, most of the times I’ll just swallow my misery and tears and continue to plow through my work problems hoping that someday I’ll see light on my own. Relationships with fellow colleagues have also taken a strange turn with certain people treating me differently as well. It’s just weird lar…and I cannot explain it myself either. There are times when I feel like an outcast, being left out of their conversations and gatherings. Interestingly, this is the first time I’ve ever felt like this, and I’ve promised myself that I should never never do this to anyone else ever. It’s just so agonising and it feels absolutely horrible.

Thankfully, 天无绝人之路. God has given me something else to 弥补 the unlucky streak at work. Unfortunately I cannot say much here as I really do not wanna jinx it (yes I know, I’m super superstitious but that’s me ok!). But what I can say is that even if this does not work out eventually, I’m glad it happened cos otherwise, I wouldn’t have known that the world can be so bright and beautiful, or that I can feel so 幸福  and happy and glad and loved, and etc etc. Of course there were times when I seriously doubt if this can work out, and there were times when I felt it would definitely not. But I like what my sis had advised me, during those nerve-wrecking moments of agony. She said, “姐, just be patient. If it’s meant to be, then you don’t have to do anything and it’ll work. If it’s not meant for you, then no matter how much you worry or think about it, nothing will happen.” I also know better than to rush things through, especially after last year’s experience with C.

But thus far, things had been 75% sweet, 20% self-doubt and 5% neither here nor there. Hur hur. And it is coming to 5 months liaoz! Time flies man…

=D

I hope this entry have been worth your time reading it. Hehehehe.

Hmmm.

Super like the following written interpretation done by a Youtube fan of this song.

我們對自己、對愛情，都有與生俱來的懼高症。懼高的原因有許多，­有時候是因為曾經在差一點摘下星星的地方墜落，有的時候，只是因­為那是個恆高之處。

因為太害怕跌下的瞬間，於是我們在高疊的椅子上等待，在無盡的森­林迷霧裡等待，像一隻有懼高症的貓咪。

所以，你出現了。另外一個人的存在。他扶著椅子，他為我的墜落提­供後盾，重要的是，他總在那裏，陪伴著我們一次又一次的度過恐懼­，一次又一次。

因為你，我重拾攀登的勇氣。你陪著我將椅子疊高，你為我扶著椅子­，你在森林迷霧裡的小徑上等待，你低下頭親吻，你陪我走出這層疊­高的塔，

你愛著我，而我也被你愛著。

歌詞中拉拉寫出了淡淡柔柔的對女孩前一段愛情的憂傷與卻步，MV­裡的女孩看著以前的自己堆疊著椅子，當時的男孩在下方等著，她從­男孩的臂彎裡甦醒，原來是跌下了。不過，女孩再一次回到同樣的場­景，她閉著眼，帶領自己走過這條陌生又熟悉的路。愛情，恐懼，下­一次。

他就在盡頭等著。他親吻著女孩，他拿著汽球，他抱住了她。

於是所有的恐懼被火燒了。只剩下女孩眷戀的依偎在男孩懷中。

過去是曾經也是現在，每一次懼高症的爆發，都有你在。

难道真的是开心后, 就必定会有恐怖的想念吗??

WHHHYYY???

恶心 lor.

Suddenly, there’s more to life than my mundane and unpredictable work.

I know, all this is very cryptic…haa!

TODAI AT MBS IS THE PLACE TO BE!!!

I went there to celebrate 1 Gig’s birthday with my colleague Sher last Friday. Although it’s famous for its sashimi and sushi, we were surprised to find out that it is actually a Korean franchise. Very surprised cos the Korean food selection is so so limited! Apart from the numerous congratulatory notes written by Korean stars on its wall, I wouldn’t have guessed the restaurant originated from Korea. But there were quite a number of Koreans who dined there last Friday, so I guessed it must be quite popular in the country itself.

Wah I don’t usually take sashimi, but it’s really really very good! And there are at least 10-15 different kinds of sushi. The snow crabs are to die for…so damn sweet lar! The only thing to remember is that you must always leave room for desserts!!!

They have 10% discount for the month of Jun. Their usual dinner is priced at $60 per person. I thought it was pretty reasonable given their wide selection (there’s Chinese, Western, Japanese, Korean, European, alcohol and the pastry bar). But must book beforehand hor. They are usually full even during weekday dinners.

”If you are not interested in someone, please do not go and show excessive concern or send overly kind smses to her. Please only do all this if you have at least some freaking kind of 好感 towards the poor girl. If you only meant to extend a minimal level of 慰问, then a FB message or ONE sms will really quite suffice”.

I think the above is rather clear right? But sadly not all guys know this and it creates really unnecessary mild irritation/annoyance/inconvenience/misunderstanding when some males do beyond what is expected of them as ‘friends’.

Come on guys!

(Disclaimer: I’m just ranting here from some long ago experience and am not really going through any of the above right now. DO NOT 胡思乱想 hor).

===========

没有走不下去的爱、只有不争气的恋人、一个男人愿意给女人多少时间、就是他有多爱她

一个男人条件再好，他没有时间陪你，也是多余的。

爱情是不可以望梅止渴的，抱着回忆就能度过每一天么？

一个男人愿意给女人多少时间，就是他有多爱他。 你爱我的话，是可以挤出一点时间的。 挤不出时间，是你已经做了抉择。 既然没有时间，我释放你吧。 同时，也是释放我自己。 很佩服這類女孩子：當她發現對方不是真心喜歡她，她可以立刻撇脫地分手。 其他女人，可能會繼續自己騙自己，一個人苦撐。真正有智慧的女孩子明白愛情是甚麼一回事：愛情，要兩情相悅。 …你愛他，他不愛你，這段關係就沒意思。 肯放手，就是愛自己。 耐心一點，等待那個真正兩情相悅的人吧。

如果开始下一段感情，我不会再问，喜欢我什么？ 也不会问,是认真对待吗？ 我会问：三个月后还会争分夺秒的关心吗？ 半年后一句不开心仍旧会陪伴左右吗？ 一年后睡不着是还会百度故事在耳边轻喏吗？ 两年后看见落泪还像第一次那般束手无策吗？ 三年四年或者更久，敢不敢一如既往没有理由的对我疼爱？ 别把悲伤挂在嘴上，每个人都有自己的故事。 说分手的时候不要吵闹，毕竟在一起过那么久。分手他也会难过，只是他比较明智，不想束缚你的或他的明天。好聚好散，以后还是朋友，大家都有自己的无奈。

 别说你最爱的是谁，人生还很长，谁也无法预知明天。也许你的真爱还在下一秒等着你。 一句话给心烦时的自己： 一句“算了吧”告诉自己，凡事努力但不可执着； 一句“不要紧”告诉自己，凡事努力了就无怨悔； 一句“会过去”告诉自己，明媚阳光总在风雨后

你不知道，某些时刻，我有多么难过。 你不知道，没有回应的等待，真的让人很累。 你不知道，我是鼓起了多大的勇气，才敢念念不忘。 又或者，你不是不知道，只是假装不知道。  有些事不去想 眼泪就会止住的 但是忘记了 眼泪提醒你没有。 我只是难过不能陪你一起老，再也没有机会，看到你的笑。

By: 愛、文章