總是要學著遺忘 學著療傷
總要跌跌撞撞 才找到答案
— 縱貫線, “公路”
*****
Woah woah…I finally managed to 熬过 2011 woohoo!! I’ve never been so happy to embrace the new year, and of course that’s only because I’ve had a shitty 2011 and if it was any longer, I WILL DIE! DIE! DIE! People do the annual countdown on the eve of 1st Jan, I did mine everyday of Dec 2011. As the last seconds of 2011 ticked away, I told myself I’ll work hard at moving towards a better and brighter year ahead, and never never look back. But anyway, I went to bed early yesterday cos was down with an irritating headache which didn’t really go away until this morning. But still, I’m proud that I did not take any panadol and only relied on my axe brand medicated oil. Hur hur!
Of coure, there would have been no evidence of me growing wiser and smarter, if I do not lay out the lessons I’ve learnt in 2011. Actually I’m writing this without any clue of what I’m going to type, i.e. I seriously have not thought this through at all. Hence I cannot guarantee that the rest of this entry will turn out readable, but I’ll try my best haa.
Revelations of 2011, and perhaps part of 2010 (in no particular order, a.k.a. extremely random thoughts):
1) My 人际关系 is not as fantastic as I thought it was. There was a time where I thought Iwould always be on the same wavelength with the people I work with. But recently, I seemed to have unwittingly stepped on many many toes of many many people, and there were certain times where I felt being left out or forgotten. I’m still wondering if I’m being over-sensitive, or if I’m scarily right.
2) Much as I try, and try, and try, emotions are ‘stuffs’ which simply cannot be controlled and reined in. I can bluff everyone, but deep inside me, I jolly well know how I actually feel, whether it’s happy/sad. We are not built to decide how much emotions we put in a relationship, but I’ve understood that to an extent, that is the unique element of humans and since I cannot control it, I will not attempt to do so again.
3) There is no logic and rationality whatsoever, in this thing called 感情. People do not necessarily act according to the signals they sent out, precisely for the reason that they cannot control their emotions too. And plus, they can be so blur that they don’t know what consequences can arise from their actions, actions which they think are harmless and typical. You absolutely cannot go and ask them “WHY DID YOU DO THIS???!!” because you know they wouldn’t have a logical explanation for you anyway. So you just have to accept everything, swallow the lump in your throat, and move on.
4) There are some species of human beings who simply do not understand the meaning of ‘NO’. They do not know how to take overt hints and must really wait till you lose your patience with them and tell them “GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE!” before they’ll know when to retreat/give up. Why? 何必呢??
5) Being unhappy at work can translate to a myriad of problems, such as extreme sleeplessness at night, loss of appetite, loss of interest in things which I used to like, weight-loss, unexplained sickness such as nausea, gastric, migraine, etc.
6) Ok enough of the BAD revelations. There are still good stuffs to remember by in 2011. First up, is the fact that no matter what happens to me, I still have my family and good friends to standby and support me. Despite me always repeating the stuffs that I complain to them, and how I always 发牢骚 to them, they’ll only have kind words of encouragement for me no matter what. And for friends who are not that eloquent with words, I know that deep inside, they do care for me and wish for only the best, for me. To all these people, here is my ever grateful ‘THANK YOU’! I don’t know how I can survive all my ordeals without you beside me. Through it all, I’ve realised I’m actually not as independent and strong as I thought I was. That there are still times where I need someone to provide a listening ear, or to tell me that all is not lost and that everything WILL be better tomorrow.
7) And the last revelation? Yes I reserve this for my heart. I now believe that the fates intertwined between the people we meet are so complex that we’ll never ever be able to understand how it all works. I know now that certain people are brought into my life for certain specific reasons and even if they are meant to stay in my life for only a very short period, I cannot deny the happiness which they’ve brought me. WL (Idiot #2) allowed me to totally forget Idiot #1, and made me realise that there are better guys out there besides the latter. He is the kindest and most thoughtful 对象 I’ve ever met and I’ve really not felt so loved for quite some time. Although it didn’t work out, I believe he came into my life, for the sole purpose to allow me to understand that I need not settle for just about anyone, as a potential partner and that there WILL eventually be someone out there who is waiting only for me (and vice versa). It’s just that the person is not WL, but that’s ok. I’m not that lucky to have met the right person the first (or second) time round, but it doesn’t mean I’ll never meet him. Yep.
Since this is the 1st of Jan, I do have some resolutions which I hope to achieve in 2012. Some of these are rather repeated stuffs, but which I’ve never really managed to attain all these years..hmmm. But I still try!
1) Find a job which I can like at least 60% of it. I’m still looking, by the way.
2) Take good care of my health. I wanna regain back the weight I lost since Sep last year. People has been commenting that I look a bit shrivelled. Eeee…
3) Do more charity work. I have one lined up on 7 Jan, I’ll blog about if it works out!
4) Be kinder to my feet. You’ll be seeing more of me in flat heels. Really!
5) Maintain faith and hope in the ‘love’ department, but not pressurising myself anymore. I’ll like to see myself taking a break from this for about half a year before I start feeling desperate haa. That’ll give me some time to clean up the remnants of the past ‘relationships’ and start life fresh anew.
6) Have the perserverance to grow my hair a little longer. This one’s DIFFICULT!!
7) Lastly (this one I always talk about every year but ahem, am still superbly unsuccessful), is to STICK TO MY BLOODY SPENDING BUDGET every month! June and December are the worst. I always overspend thinking that there’s bonus to fall back on. Hai yah!
Okaay…I hope I did not miss out anything major above. And oh yes, needless to say, my #1 resolution every year, at anytime, would always be to blog more regularly and write more 惊爆 and interesting entries for my readers.
Happy? =))
