Goodbye to an old friend

Don’t misunderstand, I’m not referring to Michael Jackson. Heh. Not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but I’ve officially stopped my dizi lessons. Reasons?
- My new workplace just got busier and busier.
- Realised I developed extremely stiff shoulders after 4 years of dizi

But I know from the bottom of my heart, that the real reason, is that I couldn’t take the pressure from QL anymore. After having reached Grade 6, I find his expectations of me too stressful and 吃不消. Its like no matter how hard I tried, I just could not meet his standards. At one point of time, I asked myself, “Why am I paying money to suffer?” and this led me to re-evaluate my priorities and of course, the reason why I had taken up lessons in the first place. I guess as what my cousin Xiang said, the more effort I put in, and the higher level which I obtained, the more QL will expect out of me, and so the pressure will just keep building up. Sometimes, I just don’t feel like practising cos I know no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be able to get a nod from him.

Of course, I understand his good intentions behind all this lar. Which teacher doesn’t want his student to get better and better? But I guess I really reached a point where I don’t see any incentive in carrying on. You’ll never know how hard and long I thought through, and how much I struggled with the final decision to quit. Offhand, the one thing which made me 最舍不得, is the level which I’ve already obtained. I jolly well know that once I stop lessons, there will be absolutely NOTHING to push me to practice regularly. Which means all the hard work which I’ve put in for the past 4 years, is gone. Just thinking of that, makes me want to pick up my dizi again. And at the same time, I had also not wanted people to say that I do things 半途而废. Everything also 三分钟热度.

But later, I decided that I don’t need to do things to get other people’s acceptance and approval. I realised my happiness is what mattered most. In the first place, my main aim of learning dizi is to be good enough to play a song. Yup, just that. One song. Hence, at the stage I’m at, I have already surpassed all my wildest dreams. Back in 2005 when I first started lessons, I really wouldn’t have believed that at 4 years later, I’ve achieved a Grade 6. It had never even been my intention to take exams in the first place.

Hence at the end, I gave in and told QL my decision. Rather surprisingly, I did not feel as relieved as I thought I would. There was this empty hole somewhere buried in my heart. Really. For the past 4 years, my dizi had been with me almost everyday, and I’m sure I’ve also blogged about my lessons, the good, bad, difficult moments, everything. Just all of a sudden, it is gone. I tried to pick it up again but as expected, there was absolutely no drive to play it anymore. Goes to show I’m really quite shallow…hur hur. Need people to push before I will work hard. Sighhhh….

But nonetheless, its been a good 4 years. I learnt what it feels to be able to play classical pieces, to endure exam performance, to go through my 师傅’s strict teaching, to force myself to practice at least 4 times a week, to get to know the history behind dizi and chinese music, to 偶尔 receive a nod from my teacher (it feels GOOD!), to receive my Grade 4 and 6 exam certificates…For now, I only know I want to take a 悠长假期. To concentrate on my work, and maybe eventually pick up another hobby. Learning the dizi has never been defined as a hobby to me, but it did become something really important and the experience is what I will never give up in exchange for. I believe in the process, I did become stronger (in character), and perhaps more resilient,especially to failures and rebukes. So even if at the end, I forget all my dizi skills and don’t remember how to hold on to a 8 count note, I will remember the hardships and good experiences I had. And who knows, maybe at some point of time, I will pick up my flute again.